So a while back, I had an epiphany.
It came while I was attempting to clean up puke off the new couch.
Anyhoo, what TLGM is not is QUIET, as it involves a 2-step process where you spray the offending stain with cleaning solution emitted from the nozzle and then after a few moments, you go back and suck out the solution AND the stain with the other side of the marvelously multi-tasking nozzle. It is, quite simply, the BEST CLEANING THING EVER. I would not go so far as to say that I actually prowl the carpet trolling for wayward stains so that I have an excuse to use my best beloved, but I will admit that I HAVE been know to "okay" grape juice in the living room when things get too slow around here.
But I digress.
Sorta.
The thing I need to relay is that while TLGM is small and mighty, it is NOT a stealth device. Not that my family isn't used to it. The Moose and the Monkey have come to look upon TLGM with a grudging respect, as its tiny plastic and metal body has pulled their tiny human behinds out of the fire of Mommy wrath a few times. Moose, in particular, recalls when mommy was speaking in tongues after finding the orange crayon writing on the white carpet. TLGM protected both her bottom AND her college fund on that day. Because, yeah, I would've made her pay.
Judge if you want. There was ORANGE crayon on my WHITE carpet.
So- I turn on my little Green Wunderkind for step one. And the boy starts complaining. In that weird garbaldy-gook 2-yr old language where I understand none of the WORDS, but the SENTIMENT is clear. And the sentiment went something like this "Umm, excuse me, woman- but in case you are unaware, I am TRYING to watch television and your attack of cleaning frenzy is interfering with my enjoyment of said activity." In short- he was complaining that I was making too much noise cleaning up his vomit.
And that's when it hit me.
Having kids is a really bad idea. A game changer. A life and stain alteringly bad idea.
I have to stop here and admit that the above sentence made me stop typing this post for about 3 months. Not because I didn't mean it- because I did. But I was afraid of what my reader (s) would think of me. I was afraid no one would read on. That that sentence would be all that my friends, my family, my menagerie would read. And it would become my legacy.
(I got over it.)
It was an incredibly liberating moment. I had ruined my life by having them. Think of all the things I LIKED: sleeping, eating out, spending time with friends and reveling in adult conversation & disposable income with the Man. And it was all over. And (and this was the kicker) I had done it to myself. On purpose. Intentionally. Had I been so unhappy? NO!! I had been REALLY happy. And, stupid me, I thought adding a couple of really small people who looked like me and my husband (ha! separate post to follow on that particular falsehood) to the equation would just make things better.
Well, on this particular day, I knew that had been faulty logic. Similar to suggesting that the ONE thing missing from a particularly fantastic ski trip is an ocean view and a pony. Particularly if you aren't very FOND of your friends ponies and don't really care for water sports.
But THEN we get to the rub- By the time you figure this out, the people, YOUR PEOPLE are already here! And by then, you adore them. And their smells. And their garbaldy-gook language. You know the sound of their heartbeat and their laughter is better than sunshine. And you cannot imagine life without them. Actually you CAN imagine it, but now the pony has skis and you contemplate doing that polar-bear plunge just so that you can have the fabulous ski trip AND the other stuff. Because otherwise, the ski vacation is just a... white place.
A game-less, stain-less, life-less white place.
And there's the trap.
Having kids is a really bad idea. A game changer. A life and stain alteringly bad idea.
The only one worse- for me- is NOT having them.
