So, we bought a new house. (Actually, we bought it A YEAR AGO, blogging is harder than I thought)
And then, coincidentally, about a year ago I started watch this CRAZY show on TLC and thinking I was going to end up on an episode of Hoarders.
I could SEE it coming and I couldn't see any way to avoid it. I was going to BE one of those insano women sobbing hysterically about my inability to part with any of my family's belonging, no matter how gross, busted or useless they are.
It is the first time since we became a full-fledged family of 4 that we have moved. With all the STUFF of a family of eight.
So now, we are in the house.
All of my stuff
And the Man's STUFF.
And the Monkeys STUFF.
And the Moose's STUFF.
Did I say A lot of our stuff?
OK, so mostly, we bought a new house for our stuff.
And I could not figure out how to make some of the stuff go. I could not even tell where to begin to purge, because at this point, it ALL seems vital. Or overwhelming. Or just TOO MUCH.
I have no idea how this happened. And by "this" I mean- I have no idea how I became the person who amasses with no clue as to how to disperse. I was ALWAYS SO ORGANIZED. Not NEAT (cause there IS a difference) ORGANIZED. At least to me. I have spent YEARS amazing the man with my Rain Man-like ability to almost instantly locate the requested item from amongst a seemingly jumbled stack. It would go something like this-
Man " Honey, have you seen my 1986 Cal Ripken Baseball card? I haven't seen it since I packed it for our move to Colorado 3 years ago, but I need it in 20 minutes when I go to the baseball card show, any ideas where I should look?" (separate post to follow about Men and how time works in their world)
Me- " Hold on a sec, babe, let me think a minute... Okay, try looking in the spare bedroom closet, the second box from the left, in a Nike shoebox labeled 'sports' I think "...
Moments later, astonished wonder and adoration on the face of Man as he emerges from the spare bedroom, card in hand.
ORGANIZED. BOOM
Now fast forward to present day, I cannot tell you if I have on underwear without a quick trip to the bathroom. That is not an exaggeration. I accidentally showed up at a doctors appointment- where I KNEW I would have to do some testing clad only in undergarments- without my knickers on. I really wish I was joking...
But I digress. This is about The STUFF. And what it's done to me.
It would be really easy to blame it on the Menagerie. In fact, it's SO easy, it's EXACTLY what I'm going to do!
Here's the thing- I used to be able to find everything. And I used to only buy what I needed. Neither of those things are true anymore. Part of being able to find stuff was that things used to always stay where I put them. Or, if Man put them somewhere else, it was a relatively logical place. (Where would Man leave spare keys? Of course they are on the front side table) Then came Moose and Monkey, who- in addition to RIDICULOUS CUTENESS- tend to defy logic when it comes to product placement. (Where else WOULD you keep the "da caw kees" except inside the surround sound sub-woofer?)
And they have SOOOOO much stuff. SO MUCH STUFF. So ridiculously much stuff. Stuff I didn't buy them. They are SO MUCH with the Ridiculous Cuteness, that people just GIVE THEM STUFF.
And it makes people think I'M messy. When, in reality (and by reality, I STILL MEAN IN MY MIND), I am the neat one! The organized one. The one who can find all the STUFF. But now, that is really only true inside my head and mostly as a fading memory. For all the places OUTSIDE of my head- and I am told these places DO exist- I have Maria. My perfect woman. My Muse. My love. My housekeeper. She swoops in every Wednesday and makes all the badness disappear!!! AND she organizes too! In a way that OTHER people can see the organization. And all it costs me is $70. I don't CARE if that's a lot or a little or anywhere in the between, SO NO COMMENTING ON IT!!! On Wednesdays, I love her more than both my children and Kit Kats COMBINED, so even if I didn't make ANY money and had to take it out of their college fund, it would STILL be reasonable, as THEY are the reason why I need her in the first place! It's a good life lesson I am teaching them; if you are the cause of a problem, you should also be the first place people can look for a solution. Charging them is nothing more than responsible parenting in action**
So Ridiculously MUCH, MINIATURIZED STUFF.
Do NOT get distracted by the cute sleeping MONKEY- LOOK AT ALL HIS SHIT!
And it makes people think I'M messy. When, in reality (and by reality, I STILL MEAN IN MY MIND), I am the neat one! The organized one. The one who can find all the STUFF. But now, that is really only true inside my head and mostly as a fading memory. For all the places OUTSIDE of my head- and I am told these places DO exist- I have Maria. My perfect woman. My Muse. My love. My housekeeper. She swoops in every Wednesday and makes all the badness disappear!!! AND she organizes too! In a way that OTHER people can see the organization. And all it costs me is $70. I don't CARE if that's a lot or a little or anywhere in the between, SO NO COMMENTING ON IT!!! On Wednesdays, I love her more than both my children and Kit Kats COMBINED, so even if I didn't make ANY money and had to take it out of their college fund, it would STILL be reasonable, as THEY are the reason why I need her in the first place! It's a good life lesson I am teaching them; if you are the cause of a problem, you should also be the first place people can look for a solution. Charging them is nothing more than responsible parenting in action**
I never thought I would have one. A Maria. A woman doing "my job" for me, but then, there a LOTS of things I didn't envision about my life as it currently is. And since I have to roll with the embarrassment of FORGETTING MY UNDERWEAR, I can also handle the curve ball of having someone scrub my bathrooms while I work to make the money to pay her to do so.
So the answer is that it ALL stays AND it all goes.
How is that possible? Well, obviously, I have to keep the Menagerie. I mentioned the ridiculosity of cuteness, didn't I? So they stay.
And the Man can stay. He's the only one I have to talk to about all that stuff they do. So he's in. And he's still better the the Menagerie at putting things back in semi-logical places, so there's hope. Plus, if Hoarders shows up, I will need the requisite co-dependant relationship to explain how I ended up there.
And if I'm keeping all of them, I guess they can keep all their stuff. I mean, they deserve some sort of payment for the HOURS of entertainment they provide me, so their stuff stays.
And it's not like I'm getting rid of MY STUFF. After all, It's MINE. And it was here before them.
So it all stays. At least what Maria lets us keep.
And here's what goes-
The idea that I can do this all myself. The idea that being a good mom means that my kitchen is always clean and freshly prepared (by me!)food is always ready at 9 am, noon and 6 pm. What's gone is my need to be an ideal and instead more of a reality for my children. I WANT them to know that I struggled with how to give them all that I thought they needed from me while still having enough left for myself. What goes is the notion that my kids will ever CARE if I was the one who cleaned the house. They had a home. It was safe, warm in the winter, cool in the summer and there was food in the fridge. And once a week, Miss Maria came and made Mommy smile extra big. And if they ever ask, I will tell them I was joking about loving her more than them. It was more of a crush. No one could ever replace the twin loves of my life. At least not without throwing in food preparation.
What a cleaning lady says about me is that I've prioritized my kids above myself, and myself above our stuff.
And now I get to watch Hoarders without losing sleep. And maybe even with a certain small smugness. All they needed was a Maria.
** I don't actually take the Maria money out of their college funds. YET.
So the answer is that it ALL stays AND it all goes.
How is that possible? Well, obviously, I have to keep the Menagerie. I mentioned the ridiculosity of cuteness, didn't I? So they stay.
And the Man can stay. He's the only one I have to talk to about all that stuff they do. So he's in. And he's still better the the Menagerie at putting things back in semi-logical places, so there's hope. Plus, if Hoarders shows up, I will need the requisite co-dependant relationship to explain how I ended up there.
And if I'm keeping all of them, I guess they can keep all their stuff. I mean, they deserve some sort of payment for the HOURS of entertainment they provide me, so their stuff stays.
And it's not like I'm getting rid of MY STUFF. After all, It's MINE. And it was here before them.
So it all stays. At least what Maria lets us keep.
And here's what goes-
The idea that I can do this all myself. The idea that being a good mom means that my kitchen is always clean and freshly prepared (by me!)food is always ready at 9 am, noon and 6 pm. What's gone is my need to be an ideal and instead more of a reality for my children. I WANT them to know that I struggled with how to give them all that I thought they needed from me while still having enough left for myself. What goes is the notion that my kids will ever CARE if I was the one who cleaned the house. They had a home. It was safe, warm in the winter, cool in the summer and there was food in the fridge. And once a week, Miss Maria came and made Mommy smile extra big. And if they ever ask, I will tell them I was joking about loving her more than them. It was more of a crush. No one could ever replace the twin loves of my life. At least not without throwing in food preparation.
What a cleaning lady says about me is that I've prioritized my kids above myself, and myself above our stuff.
And now I get to watch Hoarders without losing sleep. And maybe even with a certain small smugness. All they needed was a Maria.
** I don't actually take the Maria money out of their college funds. YET.
